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MadCast: Cinchil

Going on tilt.

This is just going to be a quick thought and I'll likely expand on the subject later on.

Going on tilt, I hear this phrase said a lot but I find that many of the same people who use this phrase don't understand what it actually means. Most people who play competitive games have heard of going on tilt and only attribute the meaning to its negative aspect. IE: "That guy is on tilt" means the same to most as "That guy is playing poorly", but that is not always the case. Going on tilt can as big a boon as it is a curse. In fact, I would go so far as to say that in the long run going on tilt is always a boon if you can objectively learn from your mistakes.

First, I want to clear something up for those who have no idea what I'm saying. Going on tilt is the phrase that refers to how a player's emotional state effects the way they play. In essence, a player who feels down or is not confident will play at a lower level than what they are capable of and a player that feels secure and is confident can play at a level that can be considered their best. Unfortunately, up until now, when players hear that someone is on tilt they only think of its negative meaning and assume the player is playing poorly. This is mostly the fault of how the term has been popularized by gaming icons like Doublelift or eSports commentators such as Jatt or Deman. Naming these people is not a calling out but is merely meant to give context to the issue I have brought up here.

Now we can get into the real issue at hand here. As I've previously Stated going on tilt is not something that is always bad, it has the potential to expose even your smallest mental and mechanical weaknesses or give you the drive to soar to new heights of play. When you are feeling emotionally sound you are on a positive tilt and that feeling enables you to compete against anyone at your highest level. Mistakes effect you far less than they normally would, and your foes seem smaller than they really are. Of course, this positive tilt can also work against a player in high levels of play and once broken can easily break a player's 'high' into the tilt that we are all more familiar with. In short, too much of a good thing can become bad.

I've found this line of thinking to be quite useful. Recognizing that people who are constantly on a negative tilt or fall rapidly into such a tilt (like myself) have other things in their life that they are unhappy with. Acknowledging that my mood and emotional stability effects my play I have come to realize things about myself that I previously glazed over because I subconsciously dismissed aspects of who I was. Things like annoyances, sadness, or even joyful things were all being glossed over by my general mood at the time. This mood was, lets say, not one of great happiness and it effected not only my play but my interactions with those around me. It was not until I began to really look at myself as on tilt and dove into why it was that I was on tilt that I was able to recognize my own flaws and weaknesses. I know this sounds stupid, it does, even to me. The question "How do you not know yourself?" comes immediately when I think of how people will react to what I'm saying but there are much weirder truths in this world than a person unable to lay claim to their likes and dislikes. Lets not get into that though.

MadCast: Cinchil

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This time, I want to talk about something we all hate with such passion that it inspires us to such hurtful and negative emotions that many of us choose to ignore it all together. We as people are known to lash out, pity ourselves, overreact, and worst of all deny it.If you read the title then you already know I am talking about failure. Our mistakes can ruin our day or simply not effect us, be demoralizing or educational, rage-inducing or take the form of a reality check, all depending upon how you view it. The key is not to force yourself to be chipper, but to take each failure as a learning experience. As Thomas Edison once said "I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 way that wont work".

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First and foremost you need to own up to your mistakes. This means taking command of your shortcomings so that they become a part of who you are and don't dictate who you are. I have Cerebral Palsy but I have learned that it is not who I am, it is simply a part of what I am. If you let every failure dictate who you are then you become a failure to yourself. Once that happens everyone else will fall in line and also see you as what you see yourself. I am still guilty of this to this day and it irks me to no end that I have been self-depreciating at times. I just did it yesterday in a LoL game and looking back I know exactly what caused my failure. I refused to acknowledge my first failure and it spiraled into more of the same mistake. These are times when you need to, for lack of a better phrase, man up and step into what you've done.

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We've all been there, those times when you miss all of your shots playing HORSE and your friend takes the opportunity to jab you quickly about it. You get mad and throw the ball at them really hard or you just retreat into that shell of yours and act gloomy for a while never realizing that there is so much to be learned from what you just did. You failed, you loathe the feeling, but that does not have to be the end of it. Why did you fail, were you not able to get the ball high enough because you have noodle arms? How can you change that, are you willing to put the effort into working out? The single most important question any time you fail is "What can I do to improve myself so that next time I don't fail?". Asking yourself that simple question could be the difference between staying as you are and becoming a person who knows success in anything you do.

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Before you begin asking yourself these questions though, you need to be able to look at yourself honestly and without negative personal bias. This can be one of the most intricate and challenging things you'll ever do. Removing yourself from, yourself, is like tearing a child from the arms of its mother. Your first reaction in every situation is to protect yourself from physical or mental pain. That instinct is the single biggest barrier between you and the world, and it not something to be trifled with. There is no sure way to be able to objectify every situation but a few tips in the right direction may help; First you have to consciously make the decision to analyze yourself and the situation you are in. This means you have to force yourself to begin looking at what is going on around you as well as inside you. Then you need to remove yourself from what you are looking at. I'm not saying that you need to be blaming the things around you, no, what I mean is that your ego needs to vanish from the equation. Many people find it easier to think as if someone else of slightly higher skill level was there instead of themselves. I personally have been conditioning myself to look what I do wrong through the eyes of a spectator. It is simple for me because I have been spectating all my life. I watch myself fumble a cup, drop a plate full of food, win or lose a wrestling match, I watch myself and others competing in whatever sport or game. The view is a bit different but I am still watching.

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When you are able to set your ego aside and get past the hurt or that urge to shield yourself from whatever mental anguish a failure may cause you that is when you will grow the most. We start out learning from other's failure, be it our parents or our siblings and somewhere in the middle we unconsciously decide to stop learning to halt the negative emotions that go along with what is the single greatest way to become better as people. Whether it is a social, mental, or physical failure, that failure and the feelings that go along with it is there so that we don't make the same mistake twice. Depending on if you choose to learn from failure or not will make all the difference between it being a negative or a positive experience.

MadCast: Cinchil

Pilot

So, I've been dwelling on this quite a lot lately and I've finally decided to put my thoughts down in some coherent form. I plan on doing a few on this subject but I want to start off with my story so that anyone who reads these knows where I came from and what led to this.

I have found in my time here that I have a considerable amount of growing to do. I need to grow as an admin, a member, a role-model, and as a person. I know a few people that would disagree with this but I believe that as a person I have a set of responsibilities to the people around me. I affect each and every person's life that I come in contact with and in the past I have taken that simple fact for granted. I have been selfish, cold, and downright rude to others with little regard for them or their situation. I have turned a blind eye on someone struggling with an issue I myself could do so much to alleviate. I'm not trying to say that I am a bad person at all but I am trying to explain where I am coming from as I type this. Joining MadCast made me quickly realize all of these things and looking back I am ashamed to admit that it was me. That is why I have been on this "quest" to become someone I can be proud of.

It all started with joining WoW guild, and with my obnoxious behavior. There was, in me, a very hateful, cynical, depressing person. I was not happy with myself and I spewed my unhappiness at others to give myself a sense of self worth. Raging and negativity were common for me until I met a person named Chris. As much as I hate to admit it, Chris was the first person who completely leveled with me on an even playing field. He didn't rage back, or fall into my little game of negativity, he flat out confronted me in a way I was not used to being treated... calmly and with respect. This was a huge shock to me at the time. I didn't think I was worth respecting and so nobody respected me, it was a viscous circle that just perpetuated my own negativity towards myself. When Chris asked me to come into ventrilo with him I wasn't sure what to expect. Here was this guy out of nowhere that was not affected by my toxic spew and on top of that, he wanted to befriend me.

When I finally joined the server he was on I was met by not only him, but by an entire group of people (including Gezus and a woman who went by Tetisheri) that welcomed me happily and even went out of their way to help me. I have to say that it was really refreshing to have a positive relationship with a group of people. It was like I was not just some character in the game, but a person that was inherently good and that deserved respect. This revaluation shook me to the core, I began caring about what they thought and I did whatever I could to impress them and live up to this crazy new view that they had of me. I made so much progress that I was soon made officer in the guild where I continued to try and improve the way I carried myself and how I cared for others around me. I still lacked something though and I could feel it.

I was beginning to become annoyed when people didn't want to be around me all the time. It was wrong and I knew it, I just didn't know why until I read another blog about bettering yourself that I had developed a warped sense of entitlement. I was entitled to respect, I was entitled to my rank in the guild, I was entitled to these friendships. I was wrong, so very wrong. I began to distance myself from the people who were my friends online in order to bring myself in line, I focused on becoming a better player thinking that this would magically solve the problems with myself. I was again wrong. I had come to a standstill, stopped growing, and I was again not happy with myself. This is when I all but dissipated from detectable life. I focused on school, and in my off time I ran or lifted weights just to keep myself busy. I re-devoted myself to wrestling, ad didn't hold much of a social life for nearly a year. Then I graduated high school and to my dismay, I had no idea what I wanted to do at all. To top it all off, my grandmother, the one person who I felt I could go to any time for anything fell ill and passed away. Without sports to fall back on to release my frustrations I turned once again to gaming. This time League of Legends. I wasn't particularly good at it but I was having fun and that is all that mattered to me. This is when I met a fellow some of you may remember, KhanArtist.

KhanArtist and I had been playing together for a while when he brought up this cool community called MadCast. He had joined it and they were just getting a growing LoL following so I thought "Why not?". For this first month I was doing everything I had learned from my time before to make a good impression and when I was accepted it was like this entire community had accepted me. Not just the SFMs at the time, it felt like each individual person had seen me to be a person worth associating with and that put a fire in me that to this day has not died out one bit. I wanted to be better, to do things that would make these people who had accepted me happier and to make this community greater than it was. I was proud to be lumped in with the likes of Tort, Maday, Prince, Oliver, and others. I looked up to them with a degree of respect that was only lesser to those of my parents and awe at what they had created from the ground up. They had given me the same respect since the day I had come hesitantly onto the forums and I wanted to earn that respect ten fold. I began again trying to improve as a person. I listened in on these people's thoughts and took the core values here as the base line for everything I did.

From then on, my relationships elsewhere flourished. I began talking to my step father again after nearly 6 years of silence on both ends, my love interests were far more successful, and my friends outside of gaming noticed this incredibly positive change in me. I was driven, I now knew what I wanted from life. I wanted to make others happy in any way I could, to repay those who helped me develop my own sense of values, and find myself in the mess I thought I was caught up in. Shortly after I began putting more effort into everything I did and as a result I was given the chance to lead this community, something that at the time I thought I was ill prepared to do. Still, I relished the opportunity to again better myself and to pick the brains of the people I respected so much. What started as "I'm just filling in to help" turned into "I want to stay and continue bettering the things around me" and has led me to where I am today. I am no longer satisfied with just drumming along for the sake of drumming along. I want drive down the path less ridden and blaze trails for others to see and be inspired by like I was inspired by those before me. I wont stop either, not until I am proud of the path I have laid out behind me and I am sure that those who follow are put in the right direction to create their own path, one that they can then be proud of.

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